I Didn't Love Him
by Avari de Lioncourt
Summary: After Ruka's death Juri gets an unexpected vistor. Lemon, het.


I Didn't Love Him

Standard Disclaimer: Not mine, have no ownership. Suing me will only get you a life-size pic of Touga and a Mikage pillow (ha I wish). Anyway, the point is this only a fanfic, no copyright infringement intended. 

Warnings: JurixRuka lemon, yep that's right Juri finally gets boinked. Of course, if you read the piece that I wrote with my amazingly talented friend Angela Arisugawa this is the second time. Oh yeah, and the angst, oh GOD the angst.

A/N: Ok Angela this is for you. You have been so awesome that you get your very own Juri bonkege fic dedicated to you. Sorry I am such a bitch in my reviews, only do it out of love.

Hot water pounds against my back, the steady rhythm soothing aching muscles. _Ruka _but he's gone. I should feel something, but I don't. You would think that his death would have broken through the layer of ice, but here I am under a burning shower and all I feel is cold. But that's not his fault, in the end its no ones. No his. Not Shiori's. Not mine. It just is. 

The water is cooling; the temperature is dropping down to what normal people would use. Normal. Did that word ever apply to me? Maybe. Before… Not now, now I am a duelist, now I am empty, now I am cold. 

Why am I so lost now? He left before; I didn't care half this much. Why now? Is it because now I know he will never come back? Why is his smile in my mind? Why do I hope that if I turn my head I will catch sight of him? Hope. I hate that word. It leaves such a bitter taste in my mouth. 

Listen to me, I am babbling. I don't babble. It isn't who I am. But then…who am I? Not that question again. Even after he's dead he's making me doubt. _But is it really him that brings up these questions? Or does being near him… _No. I will not, can not, go down that road. 

When did the shower get so cold? The knob to turn it off feels frigid in my hand. How fitting. Once I turn off the stream of cold pelting my bare skin I reach out to grab a towel. And stop. Turning, shivering in the cold air, beads of water rolling down my skin. Instead I grab a large, fluffy bathrobe that I haven't looked out in years. How surprising that it still fits. Well small favors, isn't that expression? 

My bedroom as a wonderful view of the garden. It was in that garden that I confronted Utena for the first time. Funny, how I remember that now. I drop the robe onto the floor and curl up under the heavy comforter, grasping tight to a pillow. It really is a night of surprises, first a fluffy bathrobe and now clutching a pillow, not a good sign Juri. But it is to late for me to care isn't it? He's gone. I didn't love him. I didn't. If I had I wouldn't have told him to fuck off, now would I? So you see, I really didn't care about him.

What is this? I touch my hand delicately to my cheek and come away with crystalline water dampening my fingertips. Its only water that clung from the shower, I wonder that it is still warm. I wonder that I feel something, just behind my eyes. Like the feeling I used to have when I cried, but I'm not crying. I can't. I didn't love him. I couldn't have.

A light breeze caressed my cheek. Had I left the balcony door open? I must have. How careless of me. But now I am too tried to close it. So I'll just stay under the covers. Locked in this cocoon of warmth. So like his embrace that day… But I told to get away from me. 

There is a strange pressure on my chest. Is it Angi? But no, this isn't the feeling of my kitten curled up next to me. Or on top of me, at times. She is such a sweet kitten. I love her, the feeling of her nuzzling my neck. I wonder what it would feel like if he had nuzzled my neck. No, no I don't, because I didn't love him.

The wind is more insistent now. It almost feels like hands stroking my hair. I could swear I hear his voice. But I didn't love him. So why is he haunting me like this? I couldn't have loved him. I couldn't have been that close. I couldn't have lost him like that. 

__

Juri his voice on the wind. I hear it so often now. He hasn't even been dead for more then a day. I feel. I feel. I am not cold. But I am. Damn it Ruka, you always do this. I was fine before you appeared again. I was fine.

__

Were you? Even from the grave he asks that. At least in life it had been in his eyes. His eyes. They always glowed; he glowed. You had to see it. When he walked into a room, he outshone everyone. And what if I did love him? Why not? He… he was everything I might have been. And so much else. He was I and he was the past. But I didn't love him. I didn't. And that's all there is. I told him to fuck off. I told him I didn't love him. He died knowing I didn't love him. And that's all there is. 

__

Oh Juri. 

"Ruka?" The wind looks like him. How?

__

Juri. Please. 

"Ruka?"

__

I…

"Damn it who the hell do you think you are. You left, Ruka. Damn you. You left me here with all these questions. I don't want them Ruka. Take them back; take them to the grave. I don't want them." I know I'm sobbing. I shouldn't be. But then he shouldn't be looking more and more real by the second. Looks a lot of rules are being broken tonight. 

"_Juri, I'm so sorry. _"

"You had better be."

"_I can't stay Juri._"

"So what, your just going to waltz into by life and screw everything up and then waltz back out again? You damn selfish Bastard."

"_Life? Is that what you call it Juri? I call it existence. Nothing more."_

"Damn you. How dare you pass judgement on me, Ruka. You have no fucking right-"

"_Yes I do. I love you Juri. That gives me the right. Please Juri. If only for tonight, give us, give yourself, and give me this night._

"So what? You want me to just roll over onto my back and spread my legs for you?" He winced; I feel a small amount of pleasure that I have at least that much power over him. But mostly I feel alone and cold. 

"_I wish you wouldn't do that._"

"Do what?" 

"_You know what I mean. Juri, I lov_e _you._" I can't respond to that. It hurts too damn much.

"_Juri."_

"Ruka…I…I can't." I hate the waver in my voice, but what else should I have expected. Is it so much to ask that I can at least talk to him without losing control? But of course not. That would be a miracle. Those don't exist. 

"_Juri, can't you believe that I can love you._" When he reaches toward me I can't pull away. I should. No, what I should really do is stop thinking that. 

"This, this isn't… Ruka, what is going on?"

"_Trust me, Juri._" His smile is enough. I would fight, but I am so tired of it all. I just want to him to hold me, just want to let him take care of me.

He feels so real, solid. I let him embrace me. I let him kiss me. And I kiss back. His lips are soft, and sweet. I don't love him though. I don't, I just… He strokes my hair softly and pushes closer against me. I reach up to wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. He tightens his grip around me. Breathlessly I push him away. He smiles though, and stands by the side of my bed. Slowly, maddeningly he unbuttons his shirt, letting it slide off his chest. With a carefree smirk on lips he runs his fingers through his hair while his other hand unbuttons his pants. Undoes the zipper, with both hands on the waistband he pushes down the white fabric. I blush; I can feel the heat in my cheeks, and other places. His slow disrobing is causing things in my lower body to clench. His smirk turns into a grin at the sight of my blush and with a sudden, swift movement he removes the last barrier of fabric. 

Whoa. He was… impressive. I shouldn't be thinking this though. I shouldn't be impressed. But then again…

"_Enjoying the view, Juri?" _My back stiffens instantly. Is he… teasing me? Me? Arisugawa Juri? He is teasing me. 

"I've seen worse." He raises an eyebrow, good humor sparkling in his eyes. I should have known better then to lie to him. Ha. There I go again. What the hell is wrong with me? 

"_Daijobu, Juri. I am honored that you appreciate me._" I search for something. For a sign of mocking, but I don't find it. Is he sincere? I almost wish he were mocking me instead. 

"_Juri, are you ready?_" Am I? No. But that's not going to stop me. 

"Hai." 

"_Liar._" He walks toward the bed. The wind ruffles his hair, as though Zephyr himself longs to run his fingers through Ruka's deep blue hair. When he pauses and inclines his head, as though listening to the wind, I see a flash of sorrow on his features. But then he smiles, and for a moment everything is better again. Quickly he closes the space between where he was standing and the bed. Wrapping me into an embrace, he kisses up the side of my neck to my mouth. His tongue parts my lips, but he is gentle and considerate. I can feel his hard length pressed against my inner thigh. Slowly he drew back from my mouth and gazed down at me. With a tender hand he brushed by cheek, his fingers gliding lower. I gasp in pleasure as he touches my breast. Feather light touches massaging my flesh.

"Ruka." 

"_Daijobu. Trust me._" He looks so beautiful looking down at me. His strong arms support him as his body rubs against mine. His hands are balled into fists, the bed sheets twisted in his grasp. He smiles again; I don't remember him ever smiling so much. Pushing against the mattress he leans down, glancing up at me as though for reassurance. I can't give him that, but I let a small moan escapes my lips; hoping that will suffice. It appears it does for he turns back to my chest, his pink tongue lapping at my hard nipple. I moan again, pressing my hips upward against his lean body. I can hear the groan from him as he closes his lips over the rosy peak. 

"Ruka." 

"_Patience, Juri._" He kisses a line down from my breast to my navel. His gaze flicks to my face and a devilish grin appears on his perfect face. A soft groan escapes my lips at the sight of the look on his face. He raises his head, sticking his tongue out, the tip rubbing the skin of my abdomen. His gaze never dropping from my face he begins to move his head further down my body. His tongue stroking my taught flesh, lower and lower. I was gasping for breath when his tongue passed between by thighs. I groan loudly, the mix of sensations driving me over the edge. Turning his head quickly he licks the upper part of my thigh, biting the taught flesh gently. I mewed softly, lifting my hips upward hungering for the feeling of his tongue against the sensitive skin. He traces a path up my leg, covering the pale flesh with pink love bites. He nips at my side and the under side of my breast. Once more he takes my nipple between his teeth, biting down softly. I gasp and clutch at the pillow beneath my head to keep from writhing underneath him. Bringing his head up from my chest he gazed into my eyes and I saw a glimmer in the oceanic depth. Turning his head to the side I saw a sparkle illuminated my pale moonlight on his cheek. 

"_Are you ready?_"

"Hai."

I feel a sharp pain as he enters me, but I know if I cry out he'll pull away and I can't stand the thought. Blood pours into my mouth as I arch my back, my torn lip bleeding crimson drops. Slowly he pushes further and further into me. Filling me when I had been empty. I scream, arching my hips to meet his thrusts. As he embeds himself in me I heard him cry my name and arch, stretching the moment. He comes deep inside me as I lost myself for one moment in the bliss of not being, savoring the sweet eternity of being. I feel his body collapse on top of me, where he stays for a moment.

"To always remember me by, sweet one. Now rest, life goes on." He brushes his hand against my hair and I brush it with my fingertips. I feel the soft, unmistakable silky feel of rose petals. Cradled in his strong arms I drift off to sleep.

Rays of dawn stab through the open window, pressing relentlessly on my closed eyelids. Grumbling, I open my eyes, hoping to see the sleeping form of my blue haired lover next me. But the bed is empty save for me. Swallowing the growing franticness inside I reach up to touch the rose in my hair. And did not find it. A gust of wind blew through my open window. Sitting up amongst the pristine sheets, tears fell from my eyes. Fool. Empty. Alone. Nothing ever really changed. A soft mew caught my attention and I see through tear clouded eyes the shape of my beautiful Angi. 

"Sweetheart." I manage a halfhearted grin and the sweet feline jumps up to my bed rubbing her head underneath my chin.

"Oh sweetie, I did love him didn't I?" I laugh and it comes out sounding bitter and choked. Yet as I look at the golden shorthaired I see something. A blue rose in her mouth.

****

tear tear 'tis done----

Gomen Arisugawa-san for making you edit this. I have never written anything like this before so if you like this story review. I promise that if you review my pieces you to may have a story dedicated to you. So, read, review, more comments make me get things done faster.


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